The Feedback Formula That Actually Works
Feedback should build, not break.
As a recovering perfectionist, I used to take feedback personally.
Even the mildest critique felt like a spotlight on my inadequacies. As if someone was saying, "You, Katharine Jovey, suck." But over time, I learned something that changed my mindset:
Feedback isn’t an attack. It’s growth
And now? I crave it. If I’m not getting feedback at work, I go out of my way to seek it out. Because thoughtful, well-delivered feedback is one of the fastest ways to grow. Others can see your blind spots, those parts of you that have just become part of you, those unconscious things you do and help you move past them.
But there’s an art to giving the feedback. Whether it’s at work or in our relationships, feedback is essential but only when it’s delivered with care. It’s take me many years to build this ability but I really do see the difference and it’s brought me closer with those I’ve given feedback to.
How to Give Constructive Feedback (Without Being a Jerk)
Here’s what I’ve learned works best:
1. Use the kindness filter.
Before you hit send or speak up, ask yourself:
Is it kind?
Is it helpful?
Is it necessary?
If the answer isn’t yes to all three, pause. Vent in a journal or to a friend, but don’t confuse emotional release with constructive contribution. Unkind “feedback” is rarely about helping the other person and more about easing your discomfort/frustration/anger or whatever emotion is happening for you in that moment.
2. Make it about the behaviour, not the person.
Instead of:
“You’re being rude when you interrupt.”
Try:
“When you interrupt me, I feel like what I’m saying doesn’t matter.”
Or:
“When you cut off Sandra in meetings, we lose valuable input from her.”
Focus on:
Situation
Behavior
Impact
Ideal outcome
(This is called the SBI model. Link below if you’re curious to hear more about it.)
3. Use “I” statements.
Say: “I feel…” not “You always…”
People generally aren’t trying to be disrespectful. Sometimes they’re just unaware. Your goal is to bring insight, not shame. We aren’t mind readers so we need people who are willing to communicate tough things sometimes.
(The idea of us not being mind readers has served me so well for years and I think about it a lot when I’m frustrated with people)
4. Document the feedback and next steps.
I’m thinking about at work here, write it down: what happened, when, and what you agreed to try next. That makes follow-ups easy and clear. Revisit it in a month with something like, “How do you feel that’s going? Have you noticed a difference?”
5. Don’t forget the positive stuff.
Feedback doesn’t only have to be about problems. In fact, positive reinforcement is incredibly powerful.
Compliment your partner for that small, thoughtful gesture.
Praise a colleague for their clarity and warmth on a call.
Tell your friend how much you love their quirky snack offerings when you visit.
When people know what they’re doing right, they’re more likely to keep doing it and they’re far more open to hearing what could be improved in the future.
Dare: Give feedback that feels good.
I dare you to give one piece of positive, specific feedback today or tomorrow.
Look for something kind, smart, or thoughtful and say it to the person. You might be surprised how much it lifts the other person…and how good it makes you feel, too.
✨ I dare you.
Resource: The SBI Feedback Model. As promised!
💌 Share this with someone who’s working on this skill too.
Thank you for this insight Katharine.